Wednesday, July 18, 2012

The Gays...

If you want to save time browsing through gay mens' profiles on "dating" websites, allow me to present to you what constitutes about 70% of the profiles out there.  First there's the headline:

"Are there any SANE guys out there???"

There's a lot of strange people in this world, thus are a lot of strange people in the dating scene, but I hate the guys who make it sound as though they're just a beacon of stability surrounded by a sea of insanity.  We all have our quirks, issues, and baggage, I know I do, so stop pretending you don't.  Odds are, if you feel the need to put that as your headline--or anywhere in your profile for that matter--you've got more than your share of problems.  Like attracts like, more often than not.

Then there's the body of the profile:

"VGL, fit/athletic, masculine guy seeks same.  I workout about 5-6 times a week and generally take care of my body, you should do the same."

Just a roundabout way of saying, "no fatties".  Guys in general can be pretty shallow, so I don't really care too much about that, what bothers me more is the assertion of masculinity.  All too often the guys that write that are basing it on qualities that are just as superficial as their sense of aesthetic.  If you drive a truck that doesn't make you masculine.  Neither does vulgarity, e.g. using "fuck" every other word.  I reeeeally hate guys who try to overcompensate by using curse words as though they're going out of style.  "Fuckin' that shit was fuckin' stupid as fuckin' fuck.  Shit."  Watching football doesn't make you masculine.  It doesn't make you a meathead either, unless you let it.  I got pretty creative with my swearing during the NHL playoffs, despite the fact that my team actually won the Cup!  The Dodgers are constant source of inspiration for new curse words and phrases for me.  It's an easy trap to fall into, but that's not what makes one a man.  So stop being an asshole to the guys with the limp wrists.  It's pretty much the queer equivalent of the straight guy who buys a motorcycle in a desperate attempt to stay young, it's just sad and you're not fooling anyone.  We all suck dicks, we're all men, get over yourself.

"I'm laid back and only attracted to guys who are free of drama."

No you're not.  You just typed a headline that says the exact opposite.  In fact, since it's an obvious exaggeration, it sounds like you might be a bit of a drama queen yourself, Nancy.

"Not into black or Asians.  Just a preference, get over it."

It's always white guys that put this.  There's superficial and there's narcissistic, this strikes me as narcissism.  "Let's see, I'm good-looking--I'd fuck me--I'm only gonna go out with guys that look like me."  You can't create the master race through butt sex, dumbass.

"Looking for guys 18-28."

Your age:  49.  Again, a universal problem with guys, not exclusive to gay or bi guys.  But, really, come on.  If you happen to find love with a younger guy, fine, but guys your age are hot too.  Are you seriously eliminating them from your search?  And 18?!  Guys that young might be fine to look at, but they're stupid.  They aren't even good at sex yet, give 'em a few years to marinate.  Meanwhile, try someone closer to your own age, you perv.


"Not into old guys.  Gross."

There are some hot older guys out there, why the hell would you write them off?  The ones that aren't looking exclusively for hairless twinks are past their stupid years.  They're homos so they still look younger than straight guys, they've likely got their shit together, and they're "experienced", if you know what I mean.  Giggity.  And those "gross" old guys?  They're the reason you have shit so good these days.  They had to be gay back when doing so was really tough.  That's not to say that what some guys still go through these days isn't difficult, but yeah it was a lot harder just a couple of decades ago.  You may not attracted, but show a little respect, please.