Saturday, February 4, 2012

Dating Is A Pain

She was cute. She had a quick, acerbic wit. She had a big, dumb, lovable dog named Tugboat. Jesus, how could you not love a dog named Tugboat! Our musical tastes weren't perfectly aligned, but there was plenty of common ground. And, most importantly, she seemed to dig me--a quality lacking in far too many women.

Conversation flowed. I felt comfortable enough to playfully tease her and she deftly gave it right back to me. We people-watched over dinner and joked about our surroundings. It had been a long time since a date had felt so right. This girl was different. This was someone that I could honestly see a relationship with from the get-go. Or so I thought.

We'd originally intended to go to a lecture for the second half of our date, but we were enjoying our conversation way too much to put it on hold for a couple of hours. So we decided to walk to the beach instead. I don't know quite how far we went, but round-trip it took over two hours. We got dessert at the Santa Monica Pier when she suggested we go back to her place. I was beside myself.

When we got back to my car she pounced. I'm not one for making out in or near public, so I was a bit apprehensive at first--fumbling for my keys, wanting to get back to her place as soon as possible, but she obviously wanted to make out then and there. So we did. Then she dropped the bomb. Though, she'd waited until I was my most undone and my penis in her hand. She breathily said in my ear, "God, you know what would get me really fuckin' hot?" "Hmm?", I grunted in response. "If you would run over my hands with your car."

I just kinda laughed at first and commenced with the making out. It didn't sound like she was joking, but she obviously couldn't be serious. Oh, how wrong I was. "I'm serious. Would you run over my hands with your car?" She said. "I can't do that, why would I do that?" "Because I want you to." She kind of glared at me as if to say, this doesn't go any further until you do as I say. As I'd done all night with great success I tried to make a joke and countered with, "Couldn't we start off smaller, like with a small piece of furniture first and gradually build up to maybe sitting on your hands?" For the first time all night my joke missed the mark, and at that point she reminded me that she was holding my manhood in her hand by squeezing it 'til it hurt. Bad.

"I like pain. It's kind of a big part of my sex life." My life flashed before my eyes. I instantly found religion and began asking God to get me and my wiener out of this. "Look, I'm sorry, but for me this is supposed to feel good, pain simply doesn't fit into this experience for me." "Have you ever even tried?!" "Well, no...but I'm pretty sure I don't..." "You have no idea, just fucking give it a try and I guarantee you'll like it." With that, she pinched the skin of sack really hard with her nails. It hurt like a motherfucker. I yelped in pain, withdrew and kind of shoved her off of me simultaneously. She looked at me with utter disgust, then she kicked me with her boot. "Fuck this. Fuck YOU, fuckin' pussy!", she yelled as she adjusted her clothes and got out of the car. She gave me the finger as she stormed off, pulling her dress down which had been hiked up above her waist.

I just sat there dumbfounded. I checked my nuts to see if she'd cut me. Not seeing any blood or other damage I stuffed my manhood back into my pants, put the keys into the ignition and started the car. I watched her as she walked away, unsure exactly what to do. I thought briefly about apologizing and at least walking her to her car, but I just sat there dazed as she turned the corner and was gone for good.

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